What the heck is going on? I'm packing on the pounds, eating like crazy, not working out, not sleeping, not ... not living my life. I cry at the drop of a hat. What is wrong with me? Is it depression? Is it the "peri-menopause" I keep hearing about, with mood swings and such? I don't know.
I get up in the morning, get ready, go to work, come home, sleep, get up in the morning... etc. all over again. When I'm at home, instead of working on my yard and house, I sit like a bowl of pudding on the couch and zone out to the TV... or sit at the computer and play mindless games for hours on end.
There is no motivation. I can't remember when I last worked out and it's really beginning to show in loose muscle tone all over and how my clothes (don't) fit. But I can't seem to make myself get up and get moving. I avoid one of my friends who is a tyrant about food and exercise, because I just don't want to deal with her. It *will* be a fight. She says when I try to "perk up" for our visits that I just come across as "fake." Well, duh. I don't want to be there when she's nagging me and trying to "fix" me according to her precepts about what I should be doing, feeling, etc. So I smile and nod. I guess that's "fake." (You know, it would be a lot easier for me to do what she says if it were all working for her. It ain't.)
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Tracking My Progress
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Can we fall any harder off the wagon?
Okay, so I know I am busy and I've been busy for a long time. I finished my night class (with flying colors!) and got released from church obligations. This takes some pressure off, certainly, but then...
At work, my "right hand gal" was let go Dec. 9th. This puts me in a serious bind! There was so much that she did for me that was just automatic. Now I get to do it all myself, and let me tell you, it's not a one-person job. Why was she let go? Absenteeism. The woman missed 53 full days of work, plus another 18 half days (or less). That works out to over 3 months of work time. I mean, she actually missed the entire month of August, can you feature that? Okay, half of that was for surgery, but the first half of the month?? What was that all about?
Anyway, I'm left with no real help to crank out year-end payroll tax returns and W2/1099 forms. All due within two weeks. Crap. So, the last 3 weeks of December I put in 70 hours of overtime. That's like two extra weeks of work. In the past 10 days, I've put in some 25 hours of OT. Crap. So much for easing my time burden. My house is still a wreck, the yard is a wreck, and I've gained 10 pounds. Crap.
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The other day, as I was making payroll deliveries for work, I was walking into a courtyard in one of the doctor buildings. It comes to a sort of T intersection from the parking lot to the courtyard, and a woman passed by in the "cross" section (I'm in the narrow "stem" still). Someone was walking behind her that I couldn't see yet, and the woman looks over her shoulder and somehow indicates me to her companion, who gets to the cross section and says, "What?" and looks right at me, then back to her friend (sort of puzzled).
That woman was laughing at me! Oh, my gosh. I think that's the first time in my life I've been mocked for being fat.
When I got around the corner, she had flattened herself against the wall and I looked right at her for a loooong moment. She turned and kept walking in the direction she had started in, but it was obvious to me and her companion that she did a very rude and cruel thing. I'm having a hard time getting over that. Anger, hurt, humiliation. Anxiety about my health and my ability to actually improve it. What a horrible thing for me, particularly when I'm working so much and eating very haphazardly... and eating just because of the stress of my job right now.
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Here's something you might find funny. Or pathetic. You decide. For the past year, we have had at work at the front desk a gal who is probably 26-28 years old, married, living with her parents. She is the most stunningly beautiful woman I have ever met in my life. She is absolutley sweet, and kind hearted, and will do anything for you. I absolutely adore her.
And she's completely brainless. We have had to re-train her several times for several different types of tasks. Some things she just couldn't seem to grasp, and the other gals up in the front office have spent a lot of time "babysitting" and cleaning up after her. Well, with my "right hand gal" gone, the two other gals gone on permanent maternity leave, I'm suddenly elected as "babysitter."
I don't need this right now, okay? I'm stressed out enough already. The girl cannot even alphabetize a stack of envelopes correctly.
So, the other day, when I'm searching through this stack of envelopes -- that I have already given back to her twice to re-do and it's still wrong! -- I lost it. I couldn't go rip her to shreds because she is too sweet for that. She wouldn't understand why I was angry. So I swallowed my words, and I stormed back to my desk... where, unfortunately, my boss saw me and panicked. He doesn't need *me* walking off the job right now, right? Bad timing. So he pressed me for an explanation and I nearly shouted at him: "I'm a middle-aged fat woman with a family history of heart problems! You need to cut me some slack and get someone in the front office who can do the work! I'm going to end up in the hospital! You have NO IDEA the kind of pressure I'm under!"
Oh, my gosh, you should have seen his face.
At work, my "right hand gal" was let go Dec. 9th. This puts me in a serious bind! There was so much that she did for me that was just automatic. Now I get to do it all myself, and let me tell you, it's not a one-person job. Why was she let go? Absenteeism. The woman missed 53 full days of work, plus another 18 half days (or less). That works out to over 3 months of work time. I mean, she actually missed the entire month of August, can you feature that? Okay, half of that was for surgery, but the first half of the month?? What was that all about?
Anyway, I'm left with no real help to crank out year-end payroll tax returns and W2/1099 forms. All due within two weeks. Crap. So, the last 3 weeks of December I put in 70 hours of overtime. That's like two extra weeks of work. In the past 10 days, I've put in some 25 hours of OT. Crap. So much for easing my time burden. My house is still a wreck, the yard is a wreck, and I've gained 10 pounds. Crap.
-----------------------
The other day, as I was making payroll deliveries for work, I was walking into a courtyard in one of the doctor buildings. It comes to a sort of T intersection from the parking lot to the courtyard, and a woman passed by in the "cross" section (I'm in the narrow "stem" still). Someone was walking behind her that I couldn't see yet, and the woman looks over her shoulder and somehow indicates me to her companion, who gets to the cross section and says, "What?" and looks right at me, then back to her friend (sort of puzzled).
That woman was laughing at me! Oh, my gosh. I think that's the first time in my life I've been mocked for being fat.
When I got around the corner, she had flattened herself against the wall and I looked right at her for a loooong moment. She turned and kept walking in the direction she had started in, but it was obvious to me and her companion that she did a very rude and cruel thing. I'm having a hard time getting over that. Anger, hurt, humiliation. Anxiety about my health and my ability to actually improve it. What a horrible thing for me, particularly when I'm working so much and eating very haphazardly... and eating just because of the stress of my job right now.
---------------------------------------------
Here's something you might find funny. Or pathetic. You decide. For the past year, we have had at work at the front desk a gal who is probably 26-28 years old, married, living with her parents. She is the most stunningly beautiful woman I have ever met in my life. She is absolutley sweet, and kind hearted, and will do anything for you. I absolutely adore her.
And she's completely brainless. We have had to re-train her several times for several different types of tasks. Some things she just couldn't seem to grasp, and the other gals up in the front office have spent a lot of time "babysitting" and cleaning up after her. Well, with my "right hand gal" gone, the two other gals gone on permanent maternity leave, I'm suddenly elected as "babysitter."
I don't need this right now, okay? I'm stressed out enough already. The girl cannot even alphabetize a stack of envelopes correctly.
So, the other day, when I'm searching through this stack of envelopes -- that I have already given back to her twice to re-do and it's still wrong! -- I lost it. I couldn't go rip her to shreds because she is too sweet for that. She wouldn't understand why I was angry. So I swallowed my words, and I stormed back to my desk... where, unfortunately, my boss saw me and panicked. He doesn't need *me* walking off the job right now, right? Bad timing. So he pressed me for an explanation and I nearly shouted at him: "I'm a middle-aged fat woman with a family history of heart problems! You need to cut me some slack and get someone in the front office who can do the work! I'm going to end up in the hospital! You have NO IDEA the kind of pressure I'm under!"
Oh, my gosh, you should have seen his face.
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