I don't know what's wrong with me.

What the heck is going on? I'm packing on the pounds, eating like crazy, not working out, not sleeping, not ... not living my life. I cry at the drop of a hat. What is wrong with me? Is it depression? Is it the "peri-menopause" I keep hearing about, with mood swings and such? I don't know.

I get up in the morning, get ready, go to work, come home, sleep, get up in the morning... etc. all over again. When I'm at home, instead of working on my yard and house, I sit like a bowl of pudding on the couch and zone out to the TV... or sit at the computer and play mindless games for hours on end.

There is no motivation. I can't remember when I last worked out and it's really beginning to show in loose muscle tone all over and how my clothes (don't) fit. But I can't seem to make myself get up and get moving. I avoid one of my friends who is a tyrant about food and exercise, because I just don't want to deal with her. It *will* be a fight. She says when I try to "perk up" for our visits that I just come across as "fake." Well, duh. I don't want to be there when she's nagging me and trying to "fix" me according to her precepts about what I should be doing, feeling, etc. So I smile and nod. I guess that's "fake." (You know, it would be a lot easier for me to do what she says if it were all working for her. It ain't.)

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Can we fall any harder off the wagon?

Okay, so I know I am busy and I've been busy for a long time. I finished my night class (with flying colors!) and got released from church obligations. This takes some pressure off, certainly, but then...

At work, my "right hand gal" was let go Dec. 9th. This puts me in a serious bind! There was so much that she did for me that was just automatic. Now I get to do it all myself, and let me tell you, it's not a one-person job. Why was she let go? Absenteeism. The woman missed 53 full days of work, plus another 18 half days (or less). That works out to over 3 months of work time. I mean, she actually missed the entire month of August, can you feature that? Okay, half of that was for surgery, but the first half of the month?? What was that all about?

Anyway, I'm left with no real help to crank out year-end payroll tax returns and W2/1099 forms. All due within two weeks. Crap. So, the last 3 weeks of December I put in 70 hours of overtime. That's like two extra weeks of work. In the past 10 days, I've put in some 25 hours of OT. Crap. So much for easing my time burden. My house is still a wreck, the yard is a wreck, and I've gained 10 pounds. Crap.

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The other day, as I was making payroll deliveries for work, I was walking into a courtyard in one of the doctor buildings. It comes to a sort of T intersection from the parking lot to the courtyard, and a woman passed by in the "cross" section (I'm in the narrow "stem" still). Someone was walking behind her that I couldn't see yet, and the woman looks over her shoulder and somehow indicates me to her companion, who gets to the cross section and says, "What?" and looks right at me, then back to her friend (sort of puzzled).

That woman was laughing at me! Oh, my gosh. I think that's the first time in my life I've been mocked for being fat.

When I got around the corner, she had flattened herself against the wall and I looked right at her for a loooong moment. She turned and kept walking in the direction she had started in, but it was obvious to me and her companion that she did a very rude and cruel thing. I'm having a hard time getting over that. Anger, hurt, humiliation. Anxiety about my health and my ability to actually improve it. What a horrible thing for me, particularly when I'm working so much and eating very haphazardly... and eating just because of the stress of my job right now.

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Here's something you might find funny. Or pathetic. You decide. For the past year, we have had at work at the front desk a gal who is probably 26-28 years old, married, living with her parents. She is the most stunningly beautiful woman I have ever met in my life. She is absolutley sweet, and kind hearted, and will do anything for you. I absolutely adore her.

And she's completely brainless. We have had to re-train her several times for several different types of tasks. Some things she just couldn't seem to grasp, and the other gals up in the front office have spent a lot of time "babysitting" and cleaning up after her. Well, with my "right hand gal" gone, the two other gals gone on permanent maternity leave, I'm suddenly elected as "babysitter."

I don't need this right now, okay? I'm stressed out enough already. The girl cannot even alphabetize a stack of envelopes correctly.

So, the other day, when I'm searching through this stack of envelopes -- that I have already given back to her twice to re-do and it's still wrong! -- I lost it. I couldn't go rip her to shreds because she is too sweet for that. She wouldn't understand why I was angry. So I swallowed my words, and I stormed back to my desk... where, unfortunately, my boss saw me and panicked. He doesn't need *me* walking off the job right now, right? Bad timing. So he pressed me for an explanation and I nearly shouted at him: "I'm a middle-aged fat woman with a family history of heart problems! You need to cut me some slack and get someone in the front office who can do the work! I'm going to end up in the hospital! You have NO IDEA the kind of pressure I'm under!"

Oh, my gosh, you should have seen his face.

Time to Simplify

I'm so overwhelmed lately. My own fault, of course, but that doesn't make it any easier to handle. However, the night class that I signed up for will be over the week before Thanksgiving, I've asked to be released from some church obligations, and when all of that comes through, I'll be feeling much better about my time available for my family and for myself, personally. Right now, I'm not getting enough sleep, I have a lot of homework, and some personal issues at home have me feeling anxious.

Then there's the (dang) food. Can I possibly insult my bodily systems any more? (Well, yes, I guess... but I don't do alcohol, cigarettes, or other addictive vices such as these anymore. it's all about the (dang) food... )

I've only worked out about 3 times in the past 2 weeks. Pathetic! So far, I haven't gained back anything... I guess I *am* actually watching what I eat, sort of ... but that won't last long if I don't get back on track soon.

My daughter and I went to Sacramento recently to visit my sister and her family. It was the occasion of one of my nephews' birthday - Jared, who is actually deceased - and so part of the visit was rather somber. But I so enjoyed visiting with them! Even her oldest son Ted was there, living there, and her oldest daughter Rachel came out from college for the weekend. Wish my son JR could have come with us, but he's in some hard times right now and couldn't leave work.

I'm really looking forward to getting off this wacky schedule and getting back into the routine to get healthier. And to have more time with my family, and to keep my house in order. Honestly, my living room is a disaster area that the dogs have decided belongs to them. Gotta get that taken care of! Rotten dogs...

I'm just so tired.

Notes and Updates and Stuff

8/27/08

Today was a BAD eating day! Started off okay, i worked out *great* with BIU and then AbJam, then had for breakfast shredded wheat and 2% milk, but it all went downhill from there. The good news is, the Trisquits were in a little tiny bag; bad news is I ate them with onion and chive cream cheese! (dang it!) Then I ended up having to drive to my daughter's school (again!) so no time to go home for lunch (she left her flute in the car) and I drove thru Arby's. Coulda, shoulda, woulda had a salad, but noooooo... i had a Philly Cheese steak (can I say that on here?? ohmygawsh what was I thinking??) And then we ended up at my parents at dinner time and had calzones. The only good news is that I drank a LOT of water and only 2 diet sodas

And I'm whining about the 4 pounds I gained?? Duh. It's the food, Roz. It's the dang FOOD.

8/26/08

I was getting a little nervous because I haven't lost much weight... and then I gained back four entire pounds in a week...!!! What the heck is that all about?? I'm hoping it's just..er...cyclical water retention, you know? But four pounds? That just made me want to cry.

But THEN I measured and saw another *full inch and a quarter* GONE from my waist, can you believe that?? And finally, finally, some progress on my mega-butt, but it's only a quarter inch. However, I double and triple checked to make sure I was measuring correctly and not pulling tight or anything, so I think I can trust that.

I love Yoga Booty Ballet - that stuff is so intense. 1 hour of Advanced Fat Burning and 40 minutes of Abs 1, 2, & 3. Yikes!!

Pretty good eating today:
- Shredded wheat w/2% milk and a banana.
- Hard-boiled egg sandwich on wheat toast (1 egg, 1 piece of toast) with a dab of mayo and mustard (I guess it's like "deviled egg" sandwich), with about 1/4 of a cantaloupe
- Okay, I blew it with a bag of doritos about 3 p.m. (dang it!)
- Peanuts, about 1/8 of a cup
- Tossed salad with roma tomatoes, cucumbers, green onions, and red lettuce; with chicken breast on top and 1/4 cup of croûtons. 1 tbsp of light bleu cheese dressing (sorry, I ain't giving up my salad dressing!).
- Cup of 2% milk.
- 7 glasses (12 oz) of water (and 3 diet sodas - dang it!)

But all in all that's not a bad day. Still short on water, but better than yesterday

8/22/08

School starts on Monday and we went clothes shopping last night, my daughter and I. Had a great time and found some really good deals. My soon to be 11-year-old is wearing size 4 in women's petites! The junior size 3 fits in some things, but the length of the pants is about 6 inches way to long. I can't believe how much like a teenager she is.

This morning I had a dentist visit to fix a cavity, which, fortunately, we didn't have to root canal, but will need a crown. Frustrating, because it costs a lot of money and in my experience they don't last. If the tooth weren't up front I'd just have it pulled.

Missed my workout this morning because we walked so much yesterday shopping that my legs were sore. Tomorrow is an incredibly busy day, but I think I'll get my 80 minutes in before the sun comes up and I'll be a better person for the rest of the day

8/19/08

Feeling better today, and ready to rock n' roll! I've actually continued my workouts in spite of UTI, and I'm glad I did, but over the weekend I pretty much "laid low" and sorted through boxes - very low energy requirements. I can't believe we've been in the house since January and I still have so many boxes to unpack. Where the heck did all this stuff go when we lived in only 750 square feet?? I must have had the place jam packed! And I haven't even started on all the stuff in the garage that I had in storage.... Easy, Roz. One box at a time, girl.

My "right-hand gal" at work has been out sick for most of the last two weeks, and today she is having surgery for a "pre-cancerous" condition of the female variety; that means she'll be out for probably another week to ten days, possibly two weeks. I've really been run ragged for the past little while, and it ain't gonna get better until she gets back. But it all has to get done, right?


Yesterday was YBB Sculpt and then Abs 1 & 2. I lost my squishy ball somewhere in the move, but maybe I'll find it after I get my boxes sorted out. Today I'm going for TJ Punch, Kick, & Jam, and then Ab Jam.

I'm going to have to start getting up at 4:30 to get all of my work outs in and still be on time for work!

Off to my workout ~~ I'm discovering that I really enjoy mixing it up - they are all *so* different. I'm also discovering that it really doesn't matter which one you do, as long as you are doing *something* and that you ENJOY what you do. I'm down another pound... It irks me that it takes so long, but I guess I need to re-evaluate the dang FOOD again. Again. And Again. It's all about the FOOOOOD, Roz....

HOWEVER. I was delighted a few weeks ago that I was able to wear some jeans I had shoved in a drawer in a frustrated fit about 2 years ago. This week, they not only fit, but the waist was *loose*. So "whatever" on the weight loss... it's all about the INCHES.

8/13/08

have four things I'm supposed to attend or do on Saturday. Our Team Cha-cha mini-triathlon, a singles party/campfire/dance, church classes on glass etching and home music, and a political strategy meeting/phoning session. Can I get it all done? Do I really want to have so much going on at once?? How do I get myself into these situations??? I think I need to start saying "no" ....

Meantime, I've developed a UTI and had to go to urgent care for scrips. I hate that. But perhaps it explains a little why I've been so run down and exhausted lately (or maybe it was created from being run down??). I hope getting this cleared up will help me feel better in general.

My daughter and I went to the middle school today to get her registered for 6th grade... She's so grown up! There are three other girls that she went to kindergarten with, then all 4 went to different elementary schools, and now they are reunited! We didn't expect to see them all *today*, but there they were! It was so cool, and my daughter was delighted-- and then she got to go hang out with a couple of them after registration. It makes me feel better about her going to middle school, because these four have been friends for so long and they will definitely be a force to reckon with! She won't be alone, and that's a great thing for me to know.

8/10/08

Terrific tailgate party! Everyone brought something delightful, and I was even careful about what I ate. I have to tell you about the sauerkraut one gal brought. She cooked regular sauerkraut with onions, celery, apples, and bacon, and let me tell you it was fantastic! Served hot, but I bet it would be a really good option with some low-fat dressing as a coleslaw salad, maybe add some walnuts. Yum!

Our team won, and the stadium had fireworks afterwards that were comparable to any on the 4th of July. Fabulous time!

Then Saturday, I had to drive to Arizona again to pick up my daughter... and the infamous puppy. The puppy is adorable, but it's going to be a long haul getting her house trained while we are gone most of the time... Ah, well. Have to deal with it now, I guess.

We drove back same day with one of the numberless cousins who lives here in town and had been out in AZ for a week with her grandma who lives there. Uneventful drive except for one fella who was sort of "car stalking" us for a few miles and staring at my girls! He would speed up past us, then slow down behind us, then speed up again. It was freaking me out. I told the girls to write down his license plate number so we could call the CHP...when he saw them doing that he bolted down the road.

Today was Burn it UP and church early, and then a nice long nap this afternoon... Ready to call it "over" for last week... and on to the new week!

8 Lessons from the Biggest Loser

This is a great article from "Living La Vida Low Carb" (see link at end of article).

8 Lessons from the Biggest Loser we can all learn from!

1. You shouldn't go it alone. Do you think that the contestants would be as successful if they went at it alone?
Lesson: There is strength in numbers. Doing everything by yourself can be lonely and discouraging.

2. Your attitude matters. The wrong group can drain your motivation and energy.
Lesson: Surround yourself with positive people. If you find that the negative attitude is coming from you, chances are you won’t stick with it. Change your perspective and stay positive for good results!

3. You won't always see results.
Lesson: Losing weight isn't as simple as a mathematical equation. Sure you need to burn more calories than you consume to lose weight, but even when you do everything right, sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. Is it frustrating? You bet! But when it happens, all you can do is accept it and continue on. Trust that your efforts will show eventually. Remember that even when the scale doesn't budge, your efforts are making a difference. Try to focus on other ways to measure your progress — like how you feel, your health improvements, and how your clothes fit. If all else fails, take steps to bust through your plateau!

4. You have to train your brain. Bob and Jillian know that exercise and training will reshape the body. But they are great at training the contestants mentally too. Along the course of the show, they all learn to believe in themselves. Whether they make it to the end or get eliminated along the way, most of the "losers" say the same thing: What they had accomplished on the campus had previously been nothing more than a dream.
Lesson: Believe in yourself! When you're out of shape and overweight, it's easy to beat yourself up and lose confidence.With every small step you take towards your goals, your confidence will build. With every goal you achieve, your self-esteem with sky-rocket. The key is to just start. It's always better to try—even if you mess up along the way — than to never try at all.

5. You have to change your lifestyle. Understand that this is a complete lifestyle overhaul— a total transformation for life, not a diet for a little while. No matter how hard you work or how much weight you lose, it will come back if you revert back to your old habits.
Lesson: There are no quick fixes. Getting healthy and managing your weight it is not a temporary thing. It's a series of day-to-day, meal-by-meal choices that you have to stick with for the long haul.

6. You have to work hard. Sometimes when I'd watch the Teams work out I'd think, "Their trainers are heartless!" In reality, those trainers know that weight loss takes hard work. You see them exercise when they have nothing left, choose the healthy foods even though they'd rather have their favorite comfort foods, and even leave their families for weeks at a time — these things are not for the faint of heart.
Lesson: It won't always be easy. Lots of people want to lose weight, but most aren't willing to pay the price or make sacrifices to get there. You will not be successful with a half-hearted effort or by looking for shortcuts or the easy way out.

7. You can have fun! I always enjoy watching different challenges each week. Although they were often physical, they're not what I'd consider traditional exercise: trying to stay on a moving escalator the longest; running and placing empty soda cans from one bin to another; or traversing a ravine on a zip line.
Lesson: Boredom will kill your exercise routine. Mix it up and keep your body guessing and keep it fun. Instead on going to the gym for a mindless half hour on the stairclimber (more like the “stairmonster”), get outside and do some hiking or biking. Forgo the weight machines one day and head to a playground to swing from the monkey bars, climb, jump, run and LAUGH!

8. You have to be consistent. Those who lose the biggest are consistent. They make healthy eating and exercise part of their daily lives — even after they go home. And even when they encounter setbacks along the way, they don't give up.
Lesson: Consistency is key. No matter how close (or far) you are from your goal — or even if you're there already — the habits you learn along the way have to continue if you're to be successful in the long term.

http://www.livinlowcarbdiscussion.com/showthread.php?tid=107

Twenty pounds down - and counting!

Did someone say TWENTY POUNDS?? Hurray for me!! 232.4 Yeah baby!!

I got a lot of rest this weekend - took it real easy on Saturday, and napped yesterday afternoon for 3 hours. I feel pretty good today. I did work out yesterday, though Sundays I'm usually "off." I figured I better make up for Saturday! I'm down another couple of pounds, and that's very exciting. Also, I found my WW materials, so I can start paying more attention to my food and what it costs me to eat. I really hate having nearly a five-foot-around butt, and I'm not losing there for the past month - no change at all in that measurement.

Sometimes after I've taken a break for a day or even two, I find that my workouts after that are more effective - at least I feel as if I'm better able to do them. So maybe it's just the body saying it needs to recuperate? I don't know anything, though; I'm just a workout junkie One day at a time, right?

Last week I drove my daughter out to Arizona to stay with her dad for a couple of weeks. As I suspected, Arizona was horribly hot; however, I was granted a reprieve from the blazing sun by monsoon clouds and a gusty wind most of the day. Of course, that made it humid, but it was "only" around 100F all day rather than the forecast 116. And being right on the water, we could jump in at any time. Much nicer than I expected.

Couldn't sleep, though. Woke up at 2:00 a.m. and decided I wanted to come home. So I woke my daughter and we had a "moment" before I headed out down the road.... without her. It's the worst feeling in the world. At least I know she's in a place where she's loved and taken care of. I'll miss her terribly, but I have to say that I will enjoy some private time.

The ride home was punctuated by brilliant lightning, rumbling thunder, and intermittent heavy rain. Exciting! The whole sky would light up, huge bolts of lightning that seemed to be directly in my path! Cool! After getting home, I got to sleep for a few hours to make up what I'd missed.

Great to be home, but sure miss my girl. I'll tell you another time about the "other" girls who were there... a 13-year old with a pierced tongue and her older sister (16) with the pink skull-and-crossbones dangling from her pierced navel. ::shudder::

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I do the two-day fast with juice and green tea. I'm discovering that any whey-based powder gives me excruciating belly pains. So I go with cranberry, apple, mango (clear juices) etc., and green tea or other herb teas. I'm also going to try broth next time, just to see how that goes over. I think it would be really satisfying to do a hot beef broth rather than something cold in the evening.

Two things: First - I DID THOSE STUPID REVERSE LUNGES TODAY!!! Every single one of them! and I did NOT fall over! Woo hooo!

Second - my Turbo Jam came today! Yippppeee!!

I read all the way through the "guidebook" and I've tried on my weight gloves. But I have to ask, do they make these for really tiny people?? I can barely get them fastened, and I have small wrists. It will be interesting to see how they stay on when we get jammin' lol

I also think I'm not eating enough, or something else is wrong. I get shaky/trembly and headachy during the day, even though I think I'm eating okay, and even too much. Maybe I'm not getting enough protein? I dunno, but I'm going to try the formula in the TJ book (which says I should be eating 2300 calories [yikes!]) and see if I feel better. Possibly I need to start taking supplements?

I'm a little down today, because I miss my daughter. She called me today, all excited because her dad let her get a little puppy.... I could just imagine her face, and it made me miss her. (I know, I know, it's just a short time and she will be home really soon...) Okay, pity party OVER.

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7-11-08
I'm going to go curl up with a book and see if I can fall asleep... had my tooth pulled today that has been bothering me for a long time, and they had to basically take it out in pieces. Bleagh! The roots of my molars curl inward, so even when they get the tooth loose, it won't come out easily. I'm going to be sore tomorrow, I think. However, getting that disgusting, diseased tooth out of my mouth is a huge relief, and I think I'll be feeling better than I have in a long time just getting that poison out of my system. ((Let's hear it for a healthier mouth!! Hip hip hooray!))

Stats Update

Just to update the stats:

Upper body hasn't changed at all - isn't that weird? So, these are for below the chest on down.

Waist 41.5 (down 1.5)
Butt 54 (down 1)
Left thigh 27.5 (down 2.5)
Right thigh 27 (down 3.5) (did I not measure in the same place?)
Left calf 20 (down .5)
Right calf 19.5 (down .75)
Both ankles 10 (down 1 each) (isn't that interesting?)

Looks like I need to get on the stick with the upper body.